Honestly, a blog

{March 7, 2012}   things

— Doing this from phone in the browser because I hadn’t set up XML-RPC. Very awkward. I have to fix this asap but I also just had to post because I really just have to teach myself to post, period. That’s the point of the whole “mental health blog” thing.

— Really upset about finding my copy of Endless Nights in the kitchen, but I suppose I believe him; more upset about running off crying and having his response be to sit in the kitchen and eat and act self-righteous than actually care about the crying.

— Have learned not to expect anyone to care about the crying anymore as it seems to be most of what I do.

— Having 2-5 anxiety attacks a day over FCS decision. It’s March. They said “sometime in March.” As much as I’m sure the inevitable rejection is going to completely destroy me, can it possibly be worse than the waiting? It can’t. Nothing really can. I need the waiting to end. (I want this chance at this school probably more than I have ever in my life wanted anything. That is how I know for sure I’ll be rejected, of course, but I feel right now like I just can’t breathe with the waiting. I won’t relax until I know. I don’t expect good news. I know I won’t get good news, because everything goes wrong when I need it to go right, but … I still really need the news period, and most especially if it’s good.)

{March 5, 2012}   Theme note

So this isn’t the theme I was originally going to use, but it is the first theme that I ever used on any of my blogs many years ago indeed, and I did actually donate money to Ms. Leung when I first found it! It’s nice to be back to it.

The vector girl really looks a lot like me, and this is “my” green.

{March 5, 2012}   A post

So I’ve been supposed to make a depression blog for SO LONG, and then it doesn’t happen because, I guess, I’m feeling depressed. I figured I’d get it done on a day when while I wasn’t really feeling fantastic, I also wasn’t feeling depressed, either.

It’s public on the internet but not otherwise public — as in, I’m not linking it to anyone or advertising it — because there is way too much honesty going on here. (Hence the name.) But I promised my therapist I would do it, and private journals don’t hold the same sense of accountability (or the same sense of catharsis) for me. Hosting it on a private server shared by a few people who aren’t going to tell anyone on me makes it a lot neater.

But anyway, I wasn’t really feeling depressed, and then this happened (this is a quoted email I wrote to my mother):

Basically that it went up $10 overall as of April 30, so starting in May I’ll be paying an extra $5.

Uh, Dad said don’t renew the lease until I’ve gotten into a school and he’s aware that might not be possible — we also have the problem where it needs HIS signature within 15 days and we can’t do that either, so I’m going to talk to the office about delaying the lease renewal until the end of the month. We don’t want to lose the apartment because neither of us have ANY interest in moving (I love this apartment and this neighborhood a LOT and I really, really, really don’t want to go anywhere else) but we can’t meet the 15 day deadline with Dad’s signature so we have to go talk to them. 

He told me to not tell them about the school issue, because telling them I will see him at the end of the month and can get his signature then might officially delay it long enough to have heard from [First Choice School], and if I get into FSC the other schools are a non-issue because I am immediately registering with them.

Now I am not exactly a super happy camper.

But at least the blog is done, and in a few minutes I’ll have it looking brightly-colored and happy-place-y, and then unfortunately this is likely to be a mix of a lot of lows and highs and total nonsense posts that are 99% here for me and devoid of background context.

You’ll note, whoever you are, that I never explained the school drama?

I will definitely be happier if I never have to explain it again, too.

et cetera