Honestly, a blog

{March 7, 2012}   things

— Doing this from phone in the browser because I hadn’t set up XML-RPC. Very awkward. I have to fix this asap but I also just had to post because I really just have to teach myself to post, period. That’s the point of the whole “mental health blog” thing.

— Really upset about finding my copy of Endless Nights in the kitchen, but I suppose I believe him; more upset about running off crying and having his response be to sit in the kitchen and eat and act self-righteous than actually care about the crying.

— Have learned not to expect anyone to care about the crying anymore as it seems to be most of what I do.

— Having 2-5 anxiety attacks a day over FCS decision. It’s March. They said “sometime in March.” As much as I’m sure the inevitable rejection is going to completely destroy me, can it possibly be worse than the waiting? It can’t. Nothing really can. I need the waiting to end. (I want this chance at this school probably more than I have ever in my life wanted anything. That is how I know for sure I’ll be rejected, of course, but I feel right now like I just can’t breathe with the waiting. I won’t relax until I know. I don’t expect good news. I know I won’t get good news, because everything goes wrong when I need it to go right, but … I still really need the news period, and most especially if it’s good.)

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